With excitement, you try it on. With no special effort, you find yourself tangled in a knot which embarrassingly needs some assistance to unwind. It may have something to do with the fact that you put it on upside-down AND back-to-front! Once on, there’s barely enough fabric to cover the essentials and you feel downright ridiculous. Fail. Back it goes. Oh we have ALL been there and done that, my friends!
If you are smooth, supple, between 13 and 20 and have a dedicated mum-laundromat then this post is certainly not for you! Go away and be gorgeous.
For the rest of us, let’s stick to the fact that we totally love that swimsuit... on a mannequin. Mannequins don’t have wild wobbly bits dancing to their own tune, nor do they have generally anything subject to a “surf-attack” and they definitely don’t suffer any lingering shopping regrets. They, dear friends, ARE NOT HUMAN! Enough said.
Save yourself the anguish of swimsuit shopping with our top five tips!
- The surf test - now imagine you are NOT lounging on your Turkish designer towel with a mocktail in your hand but instead are enjoying a frolic in the waves. Yes, Surfers Paradise waves, to be exact, which any local will attest, are moody and unpredictable. At times they are as smooth, gentle and innocent as a baby’s tush, and then the next minute as vicious as an unhinged wild cat! So imagine you have been struck by the latter, and take a look at that swimsuit of choice. Will it stand a dumping and leave you surfacing still somewhat clothed? Yes? Proceed to step 2.
- The walk down the beach test - You’ve finally wracked up the courage to walk to the surf without a towel, or a coverall, or a t-shirt. Just you and your swimmers - it’s virtually naked right? Imagine how you feel... Are you pulling your bottoms out of your… well… you get the picture… are you adjusting your bosom so you’re less pancake and more perky? Or are you feeling confident, together, untouchable, a siren, and focused on the cool touch of salt water? Yes? Buy it. No? Back it goes. Proceed to step 3.
- Child free - or not. It may seem silly but a child free beach goer has a very different set of criteria to a child-laiden one. Are you bending over making serious sandcastles, and swinging squealing children around in circles? Do you have a child on each arm in the surf and one perhaps grappling your neck? You know that string bikini section??? Move right along girls. Pretend it isn’t there! Bend, stretch and inspect your bathers closely for anything easily unzipped, anything easily pulled to get undone… basically anything hanging and not securely attached will be your undoing.
- Can it multitask? If you generally get out of doors for less than an hour and then gracefully retreat to the shade of a cocktail lounge (did someone say Margarita?), your swimsuit will need to multitask from beach to bar. Find a one-piece swimsuit which looks at home with a pair of palazzo pants or a boho skirt over the top. Jazz it up with some statement beachy accessories and you’re all set for the pool party!
- Does it offer protection in the right places? If you like to bask in the heat of the sun for endless hours, take stock of the coverage on your skin. Side boobs do not scorch well! You’ll come out of the day feeling less lobster-ish if you opt for a swimsuit with decent coverage and matching sarongs, wraps or rashies. It’s a smart move to preserve your comfort for the evening (who likes that radiating feel of sunburn anyway?), and your skin will reward you in years to come.